Do you ever get a Christmas card like this and want to stomp all over it? Does it make you ashamed that while everyone is out there making a difference all you have managed to do is to gain weight- after being on a diet for three weeks and you just lost your good job right when both your kids have decided to go to university? Are the only things that you have to mention in your own Christmas letter is that you have binge-watched an entire season of Outlander and are working your way through all of Grey’s Anatomy?
Here is an example of one of those annoying Christmas letters, you know the ones that I mean—-the ones that sound like this:
Dear Friends and family:
I hate to brag, but I have recently joined the gym and now weigh less than I did in high school. See pictures of me in my new bikini. My husband just made a killing in the stock market —that is why we are standing in front of our new yacht! We have both decided to retire early.
Poppy our brilliant daughter has figured out how to turn back global warming and our dog saved our neighbourhood just last week by barking and leading everyone to safety when a wildfire blew through the forest. Note the award hanging around his furry brave neck!
We realized that we are not only everyone’s favourite neighbour but now fashion designers are copying our funky hats that we invented out of locally grown hemp fibres that can be woven into adorable little hats- we send them to all the new babies throughout the hospitals across the nation. The paper that this card is on is made from deer poop that we collected ourselves and fashioned into this Christmas Holiday card. We try to never use precious paper resources if we don’t have to.
We have recently been contacted by an alien race who wish us to join them in an intergalactic party to meet and greet with other species. We are very excited about this one! But don’t worry we will post lots of pictures on Instagram.
Merry Christmas Signed the Braggers